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This episode talks about coaching and uses the recent Netflix documentary “I am Not Your Guru” as the jumping off point. The documentary examines Anthony Robbins’ “Date with Destiny” event and his approach to helping people change.

Topics and links covered in this episode

  • I am not Your Guru on Netflix
  • The importance of restarting and Michael Hyatt’s podcast
  • The difference between coaching vs. therapy
  • The coach is not an “expert” or a “guru”
  • Rapid change is possible
  • Seeing big shifts happen firsthand in my CTI Co-Active coaching classes
  • Coaching focuses on where you want to go, not on diagnosing the past
  • The client is not broken and doesn’t need to be fixed
  • When a coach takes off the coaching hat to give advice, they should say so
  • A coach can’t make anyone change; you have to want something better

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Credits

All songs licensed under Creative Commons

Transcript

This transcript was created automatically and may contain small errors.

Today’s episode is about coaching and a few different dimensions and aspects of it. So I was reminded of this recently. I watched the Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix called I Am Not Your Guru. And I saw it mentioned on social media by a fairly well-known author in the, uh, we’ll just say the, the online space. And I’d also heard this person on another podcast who had kind of been dissing on the life coaching industry, kind of the whole idea of life coaching.

And, you know, the idea that people meet with a life coach to figure out what to do with their lives and decide that they should become a life coach kind of maybe in the same disparaging way that, you know, sometimes people sell courses in online marketing to be— sell courses on how to make money online using the methods of selling courses online. And it’s just kind of this recursive circular thing. So this person, they liked the documentary to a certain extent, but they seemed kind of skeptical of it. And as I Googled around and saw other reviews, it was interesting to see kind of similar reactions. Some people were very positive on it.

Some were kind of dubious and questioning, you know, whether Robbins isn’t— is a huckster, or, you know, is this really for real, or what’s really going on here? So I watched the documentary and I found some of the interventions to be very moving. And by intervention, it’s a situation where he’s doing a very, very intense exchange with a particular person on a particular topic. And they end up kind of having a breakthrough or just a complete, you know, change, epiphany in their lives right in that moment. Now, the reason I think that’s possible is that I’ve seen it firsthand, not Tony Robbins, but I’ve seen it in— The CTI, Co-Active Coaching classes that I’ve been taking.

There have been some very profound moments in those classes, some in as short as 5 or 10 minutes where someone is a participant in the class. I’m one of them, is working with one of the instructors who is, in many cases, they’re Certified Master Coaches. And the things that are unearthed and the shifts that people make are amazing. I wouldn’t say that I have— it’s interesting for myself, those changes tend to occur very gradually over time. So the courses have also been very profound for me, but in just kind of much slower ways.

But all this to say that having seen this documentary, having experienced what I’ve experienced in the Co-Active Coaching classes, I think these types of interventions, these things are very possible and they’re real. I will warn you though that if foul language and some vulgarity is a little too much for you, this might not be the documentary for you. Robin’s favorite word is the F-bomb, which he says kind of off cam— not off camera, but, you know, in a one-on-one interview, that he does it for shock value and to get people out of their state or to help them change state. If you’re familiar with any of Tony Robbins’ work, he’s really big on changing your state. I think shock value and surprise can definitely change your state.

Considering how much he uses that word throughout this 6-day seminar, I would think that by the end that it would have pretty much lost its shock value. So I’m not so sure about that. I was also— he was also surprisingly vulgar a few times, which I had never seen that side of him. So that was a little surprising too. I’m sure his You know, his reply to that is that it was for shock value as well.

But sometimes he just seemed to be joking and it just seemed to come a little too naturally. So again, if you’re able to take it in big picture, that’s what I saw there. Your mileage may vary. And if you’ve seen it, I’d be kind of curious what you thought of it. Some other thoughts around, you know, being profoundly changed or, you know, being changed in a moment.

I think it’s also natural for us to, you know, make a big movement forward and then get stuck again, or to relapse and, you know, fall off the wagon again. There was a great post that I’ll link to that Michael Hyatt did, I think probably 2 or 3 years ago, about the importance of restarting. That when we fail or fall short, that often the most important part of Failing is how we start again, or stopping is how we start again. And so I’ll link to that as well. So again, back to the, you know, the interventions and the breakthroughs I’ve seen.

I think some profound stuff can happen when we put ourselves completely out there with people that are safe and with people who have the ability to ask really hard, powerful questions. And little Tip here, those usually don’t— they’re rarely yes/no questions.

So, and also speaking from my own experience, you know, a few years ago, I was feeling stuck in terms of where I was going with my career. And I hired a coach. They’ve been trained under the Co-Active Model as well. And I wouldn’t say the change was instantaneous, but it changed me in profound ways.

Over time. Again, most of my changes aren’t the overnight, you know, spell is cast and magic happens. It’s usually kind of a slow process over time. And that just seems to kind of be my path generally in life. But the process was awesome in that it basically changed the trajectory of my career, my life, how I looked at a number of things.

And it also unearthed some really good things that I didn’t even know about myself. And as well as those things that were kind of holding me back. Some people have asked me if coaching is like therapy. I suppose there are moments when it, it can seem like that, or it may look like it’s straying into that territory. The, the, I think the best way that I’ve heard it summed up so far is that the goal of a therapist and, you know, in a, in a client-therapist relationship is that the therapist is there to do some type of diagnosis that, you know, basically to diagnose some type of psychological disorder.

In coaching, particularly the coactive coaching model, the tenet held there is that the client is creative, resourceful, and whole. So there’s an initial starting point for the coach’s perspective that the client is not broken and does not need to be fixed. That has a number of different outcomes that I want to— I’ll hopefully touch on it here in a little bit. But back to the whole therapy thing. Therapy tends to start with trying to understand the present in light of the past.

Coaching doesn’t spend as much time there. Coaching might dabble a little bit in, you know, why, how did you get here? But coaching is much more interested in understanding where you want to be and helping you get there. The past might help for some of that, but I just find more and more it seems like it’s such a better investment of time to focus on getting really clear where I want to get to, which sometimes isn’t clear and obvious. A lot of people, I think, think, oh yeah, it’s, you know, it’s really clear where I want to get to, what I want.

But really ask yourself, like, do you really, really know what you want? I mean, what you really want, like your dreams, the perfect life that you would like to have. So yeah, I would ponder that. Sometimes getting clear on exactly what you want isn’t as easy as you think it might. And if what you want is money, I would challenge you to take that one off the table and search for something else.

Money is usually a way of obtaining something else as opposed to an end unto itself. So in terms of this coaching process, then the coach’s job is to help guide and collaborate with the client to get to this desire or end state that the client is looking for. The other interesting tie-in to the title of this documentary, I Am Not Your Guru, with Tony Robbins, is that the coach is not a guru. So oftentimes people have the mistaken notion that the coach is an expert or a— maybe not a guru, but you know, in other words, the coach has it all figured out. The coach has the answers.

The coach is the expert. So you’re going to meet with this coach and this coach is going to tell you exactly what to do, how many laps to swim in the pool, how many pull-ups to do, how many, you know, like kind of like a personal trainer, and then your life will magically be better. And perhaps the term coach is the wrong term, but under the coactive coaching model, the coach is more of a guide and more of a facilitator and a lot less of an expert. I think it also changes the relationship with the client. That if, in terms of how the client interacts with the coach, that the goal of this is for it to be kind of a— for it to be a collaborative relationship where the coach and the client are working together.

Now, the coach may have more experience in terms of facilitating the conversation, throwing out ideas, sometimes proposing solutions, but it’s really meant to be a joint relationship between The coach and the client. And I myself learned this the hard way in working with a coach where I thought that they were the expert and had all the answers. And that if I followed the things that they told me to do, then I would get to where I wanted. In the end, I didn’t get to where I wanted, partly because I don’t know that I was completely clear on what I wanted and why. But I also fell into the trap of thinking that, well, because they were the expert, they were the coach, that if I just executed their playbook and did exactly what they said, I would get the things that I was seeking.

And what I learned in hindsight was that those suggestions, while they looked good on paper, didn’t fit who I was and just don’t really— didn’t fit overall how I show up in the world and do things.

I’m also kind of playing with this idea a little bit. I would also say my mind isn’t totally made up on how I will operate as a coach in terms of, you know, being an expert. I think there is a place for the coach to maybe put on a different hat. So in terms of, in the context of working with a client, if someone is asking, so for instance, I have years of experience in project management. So if I were working with someone and they said, you know, could you give me some advice on project management?

If I were to clearly call out, okay, I’m going to take off my coaching hat and put on my consultant hat and answer the question that way, that’s totally different. In other words, it’s calling a distinction to, you know, I am no longer collaborating with you. I am now like giving you answers and I’m making it very clear that I’m just giving you answers. These may not be the right answers for your situation. But if you’re wanting to consult me in this subject that I’m a subject matter expert in, this is what I think and this has been my experience.

So, you know, given the areas that I have experience in and a lot of years of experience, I don’t know, I’m going to keep playing with that. I think also that personal coaching or life coaching or professional coaching, whatever you want to call it, is also different than— a little different where the the analogy, you know, with the typical sports coach falls down to is that as a coach, I can’t make people do anything. And, you know, and if the person that I’m working with or the person a coach is working with isn’t fully invested or doesn’t really want to move forward and isn’t willing to do whatever it takes to move forward, they’re probably not going to— they’re probably not going to make very much progress to begin with. I also don’t believe that it’s the coach’s job to convince the client that they should, you know, move forward or change in certain ways. I think, I think the, the most complete and holistic change happens with people when they really want to change.

And that ties really strongly into my whole notion of being an owner and, you know, owning your life and owning everything about you. Yeah. And what you’re doing. So perhaps there’s a challenge you want to overcome, or you’ve tried some strategies to meet your goals and they haven’t worked. Maybe the challenge you want to accomplish feels so impossible and you just haven’t even tried.

But if you reach a point where you want something better and you’re looking for something better and you want some help and you want to take some next steps, working with a coach could be a great first step. Towards creating some momentum and moving in the right direction. And that could be with me, it could be with anyone. I would recommend in general though, someone that’s been trained in the Co-Active Model. I think it’s rock solid.

Anyone that’s been certified under that program has gone to, I think it’s 102 hours of classroom training that is not sitting at conference tables in hotels and drinking lots of coffee and listen to someone and watch someone do PowerPoint. I mean, it is intense. It’s, it’s 3 solid days, 5 times, uh, where you’re sitting essentially in a horseshoe and you are interacting with each other and the instructor. And it is extremely hands-on and there’s a lot of rigor. And that’s followed up by a 6-month, uh, practicum where you have to have a number of paying clients, you’re supervised, and then there’s also a written exam and a certificate that kind of wraps up the certification.

Process. So it’s a number— you have to have a number of hours. And anyway, I highly recommend that if you’re going to work with a coach, that it be someone that’s trained with CTI and under the Coactive Coaching Model. If you want to do that with me, I’m still in the process of working on this certification, but I am taking clients. So if something I’ve described here caught your interest, sounds interesting, or you just like to explore it further, I offer a free 30-minute strategy session where we’ll talk a little bit about your situation and hopefully send you away with some clarity and perhaps some actions or first steps towards working on the situation you have in mind.

And then after that, if, if you like the experience of talking and working together in that session, Then we can talk about moving forward into a more committed coaching relationship. So to find out more information, you want to go to johnpoelstra.com/coaching, or you can also just send email to REDACTED, and we’ll follow up from there.

Thanks for listening to The John Poelstra Show. Notes, links, and all that other good stuff for this episode are at johnpoelstra.com. Johnpolster.com/podcast. If you have questions or ideas for the podcast, send those to REDACTED. Thanks to Kevin MacLeod for the music on this podcast, which is licensed under a Creative Commons license and can be found at incompetech.com.